Hi beautiful soul,
Happy New week to you !
Trust is such a loaded word right – but one that I believe is crucial as a foundation for any successful relationship
I have experienced deep genuine trust and lack of trust in relationships and friendships – on both sides. It’s taken great levels of self awareness to acknowledge what role I have played in breaking trust with others….. and in the same token, noticing and honouring how I show up in a manner that allows for me to be trusted. I have also deeply felt in my body when I can trust someone, and when I can’t.
With this awareness, we have the opportunity to choose what next steps to take. Was the incident or experience that broke trust a once off ? Was it a repeat ? Is it possible to re-build trust with that person ?
I absolutely love how Brene Brown has broken down trust for us in her Acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G
The acronym explained
Trust thrives within boundaries that are clear and consistent. Each party knows where they stand. “I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you are clear about my boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.”
Researchers are always looking for things that are valid and reliable. A set of scales provides a valid measurement. A reliable scale is one where if you got on it 100 times, it will return the same result every time. You cannot gain someone’s trust if you are reliable only once, because that’s not the definition of reliability. In our working lives, we have to be clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we don’t deliver on our commitments. In our personal life, same thing. You can’t overpromise and underdeliver. “I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do. And not once, but over and over again.”
Own your mistakes and allow for the transgressions of others. “I can only trust you if, when you make a mistake, you are willing to own it, apologize for it and make amends. I can only trust you if, when I make a mistake I am allowed to own it, apologize for it and make amends. No accountability, no trust”.
Research shows that when someone gossips with you about a third party, your trust in the gossiper is completely diminished. Many times we share things that are not ours to share as a way to hotwire connection with a friend. If you have a friend like that, your closeness is built on trash talking others. Brown refers to this as ‘common enemy intimacy’, which isn’t a real connection. The vault means you respect my story, but you respect other peoples story. “What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence.”
Brown came up with her own definition of integrity, with three core components:
Choosing courage over comfort
Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy
Practising your values, not just professing your values
“I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.”
Brown says it’s vital to be able struggle, fall apart and ask for help without being judged by another and vice versa. This is hard, she says, because we’re better at helping than asking for help. If you can’t ask for help and those around you can’t reciprocate it, that is not a trusting relationship. When we assign value to needing or giving help, there’s an issue, “Real trust doesn’t exist unless help is reciprocal and non-judgmental.”
According to Brown, it’s essential to be compassionate and make a generous assumption if someone inadvertently betrays your trust. In this way, it’s better to address the situation early, rather than bottling it up and saving it as blackmail for a later date, “Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about my words intentions and behaviours and then check in with me.”
Here is a great visual summary to help you – I actually have this printed and on my wall in my office
As you navigate this week, how can you meet the BRAVING elements in order to enhance trust in your relationships ?
(by relationships I mean love, children, friendships, parental, work etc)
WHAT DO I OFFER THIS WORLD ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS?
Incase you have forgotten, or don’t know ☺
COACHING AND NLP
I am a trauma-informed certified Coach and NLP Practitioner. I offer one-on-one and group Coaching and NLP sessions.
Moonchild Creations is a culmination of my passions and what makes my heart sing.
Intuitive Essential oil blends, Shamanic crafts, Nia, Tahira-na …… want to know more ?
Check it out www.moonchildcreations.co.za
Thank you for being in my community. I deeply appreciate you Keep an eye out for next weeks Musings.
In the mean time I wish you much health and happiness.
Chat soon ♥